“Those who do not grieve with their whole hearts,
Do not laugh either.”
– Golda Meir, (1st woman Prime Minister of Israel)
Giving up our addiction is like saying goodbye to a best friend. For many of us, it is because of our addiction that we survived a life that was too emotionally difficult to manage. We used substances or behaviours as a way to numb our emotions and block painful memories.
Many people refer to it as their “liquid courage”, having given them a confidence they didn’t have without it.
Many addicts are “egomaniacs with an inferiority complex”. This describes the dichotomous internal conflict of many addicts. Addicts often act as if they’re better than others because they don’t feel as good as others. Often this “false self” is a bravado aimed at getting love and acceptance from others.
But how can we blame ourselves for that? It’s something we all need. It’s a basic survival need.
When we are active in our addiction, we silence that critical voice inside our head and therefore often feel more at peace. That’s why when we get sober, we are giving up a strategy that, despite its destructive nature, has a way of making us feel better for a short time.
The problem is that it’s temporary. Once we come down, run out of cash, pass out and/or come to the following day, we feel worse.
It’s not who we really are. It’s just a means to a dead end.
It’s one of the many paradoxes of addiction – that what helped us survive initially, ends up nearly killing us.
And for that reason, one day we simply know that it’s enough.
We hit our “bottom”.
As painful as this point is in our lives, it’s a necessary precursor for the surrender to occur. This surrender opens the door to something new and exciting in our lives.
Receive the Gift of Sobriety
In order to fully receive the gift of sobriety, we must grieve the loss of our addiction.
I believe that the inability to grieve this loss is one of the reasons why people relapse back to their drug of choice. Grieving the loss of our addiction means that we can look at what we must give up as we choose to face life rather than run from it.
Some of these losses might include:
- Friends that you participated in your addiction with
- A sense of confidence
- The opportunity to numb out and not have to face painful feelings
- The belief that you are the life of the party or the center of attention
These and many other things are ways that addicts learn to be OK with themselves in the world. Recognizing and grieving the loss of these survival strategies is one of the signs that you are maturing emotionally.
A Balanced Ledger
There are so many things that can be listed as benefits to getting sober as well. Of course, these are spoken of much more often. They tend to be all that is ever focused on. This precludes our grief and dismisses our losses – which is not helpful.
It’s true that getting sober means getting healthy, getting our families back, feeling true self-esteem because we are acting in esteem-able ways, waking up and recalling the night before, being responsible with our finances, our relationships, and our health.
While all of these benefits and many more are the reasons why we get and stay sober, we also must acknowledge the sadness and mourning of a lifestyle that kept us alive for many years.
We must let ourselves process this loss and say goodbye to what once was and yet never will be again.
Like the death of a loved one, we must let ourselves grieve. Nothing less is required.
Look at the following grid and use it to help you identify both the losses and the gains of being and staying sober, one day a time. Make a list for each of the 4 quadrants and let yourself process your feelings with a sponsor, a therapist or a trusted mentor.
In my Good Life Recovery program, we look extensively at how to face and transcend our grief in order to fully embrace our joy and laughter.
I hope you will join us.
In gratitude,
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