In my last post, I discussed how our legacy – the experiences of those who came before us – impacts us emotionally in big ways. Multi-generational trauma is real, and powerful unconscious force in our lives.
Stories I Hear Regularly
Some of these experiences are quite extreme. Like a client whose parents were children in southeast Asia under a barbaric regime. There was a driving force toward genocide – a systematic persecution of and killing of citizens considered to be ‘enemies of the state.’ My client’s parents watched their loved ones be murdered. As an only child, my client learned ‘not to be a burden’ – so as not to put any additional emotional strain on his parents. Instead, he decided that one day he would make enough money to get the things he couldn’t have as a child and take care of his parents so they wouldn’t be so sad. While he has had enormous monetary success, it has come at a huge emotional cost. Today he is healing and finding more happiness and balance in his life.
The Transformative Power of Self-Discovery
Early in my own emotional healing, I had a dream. In the dream, I was being chased by Russians. I was terrified because I knew they wanted to kill me. I was looking for a door with a “symbol” on it, one that would tell me it was safe for me to go there. My heart was racing. Finally, there it was – safety. I woke up in a sweat, wondering what it could mean.
In telling my therapist, she pointed out that this was not my life I was dreaming of, but my mother’s. My mother was caught in what became known as East Berlin, the part that was under the Russians. West Berlin was occupied by the Americans – the Liberators. She was also one of the few people who were able to escape across “no man’s land” – a strip of land between East and West Berlin that allowed only vendors to carry supplies back and forth. She took her young daughter and started walking beside a vendor, holding his arm and begging him to pretend she was his wife. The Russians were yelling at her and she feared they would shoot her dead at any moment.
I have so much respect today for her courage in taking that risk – one that was literally ‘life or death.’ That took guts.
Other family stories involve divorce, infidelity, neglect or sexual abuse, often happening in families for many generations. Facing our legacies can lead to incredible healing. Constructing our family genograms is one way that we can target these issues and see our histories clearly.
Going beyond a childish fantasy to ‘protect’ our parents and deny our realities, keeps us stuck in the ongoing cycle of emotional pain and limitation.
“Those who cannot grieve with their whole hearts, cannot laugh either.” – Golda Meir
Healing Tips
Remember, whatever your family story is, you have already survived. Our survival strategies were our smartest attempts at self-protection. Today, however, they create limitations. We can’t heal what we can’t feel. We can’t be ourselves if someone else’s life is intruding upon us. To fully define who we are in recovery, we must differentiate from others’ experiences, expectations, and demands to conform. In doing so, we become free to live our best life.
It has given me a sense of freedom to move far beyond what I ever thought possible and to give myself permission to have joyful abundance, even though that was not something my parents ever had.
Draw out your family genogram and make a note of all the traumas, losses, divorces, war survivors, abuses, neglect, criminality, and addiction. Use colored pens for each different issue. Making it real gives you the choice to decide to do something different.
Until next time,
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