Addiction is a condition that impacts human beings in a holistic way. Today I want to focus on the cognitive aspects of addiction and how, generally speaking, addicts have a negative perception of life. It’s like a veil we wear through which experiences pass into our minds that is dark and gloomy in nature. As I’ve mentioned before, it is a ‘glass half empty’ orientation to life.
It can show up as low self-esteem on one end of the scale, to full-on self-loathing on the other. “I am a bad person” is a shame-based statement that is common in addicts, and stems from a lifetime of negative self-talk. It can also show up as feeling self-pity – of being a victim of life’s negative circumstances. This often leads to a futile sense of giving up on life, rather than one of rising above.
To be fair, when we are young, it’s difficult, if not impossible not to feel victimized. We have no power to change our lives. I remember having a huge chip on my shoulder as a child, which carried on well into my addiction. “Why me?” I wondered. I thought that my life was a punishment and I was the undeserved recipient. This negative veil leads to high levels of self and other criticism and condemnation which become automatic responses to life.
Sometimes this derives from a sense of perfectionism – which is never a positive trait since there is no way to meet the bar of perfectionism as a human being. Perfectionism is always an attempt to overcome the shame of not being “good enough”. Our self-contempt is projected on the world and everyone around us is seen as falling short. We can then justify to ourselves our reasons to criticize, blame or scapegoat them for letting us down.
Follow the Science
Research today shows that most addicts experience early developmental trauma and or neglect. In fact, a recent study showed that 3 of 5 Canadians have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience. The fact that strong and secure attachments to early caregivers are crucial to our wellbeing explains the lack of positivity in the addicts’ self-references and their relationship to others around them. In other words, we come by it honestly.
When our perceptions are negative, our feelings are too. Often we feel depressed, lonely, full of sadness and self-pity. That doesn’t mean there aren’t legitimate life events that need to be grieved. Or that there weren’t depressing circumstances in early life that explain why we are still down. Emotional sobriety demands that we must heal these early painful experiences, with the help of a trusted friend, support group and/or therapist.
Knowing the origin of our negativity doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem. It most definitely is.
The Power to Change
In recovery, we actually have the power of choice to change how we perceive ourselves and others.
The tendency for addicts to override the automatic tendency to assume the worst and to make every effort to practice positivity will support a better internal feeling. There is a simple way to feel better – it’s by doing better. ‘We act our way into right feeling, rather than feel our way into right action’. When we do good, we actually feel good.
I recently read an article in Psychology Today magazine on “The Power of a Kind Word”, by David Ludden. He spoke about the positive outcomes of giving an unsolicited compliment. It turns out that most of us underestimate the positive impact of doing this for another person and instead we believe that it will not be received well. Nothing could be further from the truth! It turns out that recipients were “flattered, happy, and pleased” when complimented. In addition, the person giving the compliment found a positive shift in their own mood! The author concludes that “a few kind words can go a long way”.
So, while this will not address the entire problem of our negative thinking, I guarantee that if you set a goal to give at least 2-3 compliments a day, that you will be on your way to shifting your automatic negative thinking to a more self-satisfied, happy state of mind.
What makes ‘simple but not easy’ is that reflexive, conditioned responses don’t change unless we are willing to put concentrated effort into paying attention to them, and then immediately “practicing the opposite”. Address your bad habits and fear of offering up compliments, and let friends, family, and even strangers know that you notice something you like about them. Make their day a little brighter, while helping yourself at the same time. It’s a win-win as they feel good and the quality of your recovery improves.
And if you want to stretch yourself even further, give yourself a compliment for doing it. You are being brave and showing yourself that you are committed to high-quality recovery. If we fail to take charge and change our negative thinking to a more positive way of being, then we can’t really enjoy the benefits of recovery fully.
So, give it a chance. Be an example others are attracted to.
Wishing you all the best,
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