Sobriety Matters: 12 Tips for Celebrating Sobriety This Holiday Season

This past year has been very hard on people suffering with addiction. The Covid crisis has had a big impact on the number of relapses and deaths from drug overdoses. As we approach the holiday season, let us remember the importance of protecting and celebrating our recovery. Let us not take it for granted, even for one moment.

While giving and receiving material gifts is a part of most people’s holidays, none of these things are in any way as important as you managing and caring about your sobriety. By doing so, you demonstrate that it is the most the most important gift you could ever hope to have.

With that in mind, I’m offering proven tips for you to stay focused on being your best sober self.

Over these next 12 days of Christmas, I will expand on one tip each day with an explanation of its importance and how you can put it into practice.

Remember: You alone decide the value of a life free of addiction and what efforts you will make to ensure you stay physically and emotionally sober.

I hope you find these helpful.

Tips for making your Sobriety Matter:

Stay in the middle of your herd.
Stay off the slippery slopes.
Mix your own drinks.
Remember that “no“ is a complete sentence.
Never barter with your sobriety.
Deliberately do something good for someone else each day.
Take life ‘one minute at a time’ if necessary.
Recognize and avoid people-pleasing.
Stay forward-focused.
Be your own best friend.
Be grateful for what you have.
Say a prayer for peace, for yourself and for the world.

Happy Sober Holiday!

Tip 1: Increase Self-Awareness

I want your holiday season to be the best one ever. Improve each day by staying in touch with your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and then focusing on the ones that support your recovery and eliminating those that don’t.

Denial comes in many forms. One of the ways denial works is by telling you that spending time getting to know yourself is “selfish.” That getting comfortable with your uncomfortable internal states, is not necessary. Nothing could be further from the truth. Knowing yourself and making healthy, conscious decisions that allow you to “stick with the winners,” is only selfish if you think that staying clean and sober to contribute to society and help others is selfish. That doesn’t add up in my books.

Focusing on becoming a better version of yourself is a gift you give to those around you.

When sobriety feels hard, don’t ignore it – find a friend to talk to, journal about it, or put the problem in your God jar and trust that you are not alone.

Then get into action – get busy with something that matters to you, that moves you along the continuum of good health and happiness. Staying connected to your inner self allows you to begin to know – in your gut – whether something feels right for you or not. It’s called intuition and it’s your direct connection to your highest self.

Today’s Tip:

If you have to make a decision and you are uncertain whether it will support your recovery or not – sit quietly for a moment and get centered inside yourself: imagine there is an elevator in your head and put the situation inside. Now, let the elevator move slowly down your body and into your gut. Open the door. You will get either a ‘resounding yes’ or a no. Anything that is not a ‘resounding yes’ = a ‘no’. It’s that simple. Then check it out with your sponsor or mentor to ensure you are indeed on the right track.

My wish is that you will continue your journey towards long-term contented sobriety by actively doing the things that create healthy change in your life.

Tip 2: Take 100% Responsibility for Your Decisions and Attitudes

One of the common emotional deficits that alcoholics/addicts face is the tendency to blame others for their own errors or slip-ups. Sometimes we do this without even knowing because we lack self-awareness. When we are not taking 100% responsibility, we get self-protective and push back against those who may be unhappy with our behaviour. Often I hear, “I knew it was wrong to get defensive as soon as I said it, but I couldn’t admit it.” It’s obvious that one of the biggest blocks to overcome in being responsible is the swallowing of our pride. Pride is the opposite of humility (which is different from humiliation – and it’s too bad that these two words, that have such different meanings, sound so much alike).

Humility is the characteristic that defines a higher aspiration for ourselves. The world’s greatest teachers and mentors model high degrees of humility. It’s what makes them great. Humility is what shows the world that you are ok with yourself and at the same time, you are striving to be better.

Our attitude adjustment has two main components: redirecting our negative thinking to positive thinking in effortful ongoing ways, and recognizing that pride and ego are the culprits that prevent the ongoing growth of our emotional sobriety.

Today’s Tip:

If you do something that hurts someone in even a small way; or if someone tells you something about yourself that is hard to hear, try taking a big swallow (literally) and tell yourself, “I’m swallowing my pride and ego at this moment that wants to prove them wrong”, and simply say, “I’m sorry I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Trust me, just saying that alone will make a huge difference. Staying current each day by cleaning up any wreckage you may have intentionally or unintentionally caused, will enhance your emotional sobriety enormously.

Tip 3: Structure Your Time and Energy Wisely

I did a test a few years ago that confirmed that I have a personality that “abhors routine.” I chuckled thinking that in my addiction that looked like total chaos! In recovery, it can become a lack of structure. We all know how common the diagnosis for ADD (attention deficit disorder) has become. I think of myself and so many other addicts I know and how we all could have been (and maybe still could be) diagnosed this way. A lack of structure and discipline can lead to an ongoing sense of confusion and turmoil, long into recovery.

All successful people have routines and structure. I have a morning routine that I am pretty committed to, that allows me to start my day in a positive and mindful way. I plan what I will do with my ‘free time’ based on what feeds my soul and creates something of value in my life. In contrast, if we jump from one thing to another, in hopes of fitting in or because we don’t want to be alone, we lack the discipline to make good decisions that enhance recovery.

Many addicts are ‘people pleasers.’ We do what we think others want us to do, and lack an internal GPS system to know and respond to what we want ourselves. We are busy filling up our calendars with events that help us feel wanted – often at the expense of getting what is needed to be done. This is especially true if what we need to get done isn’t something we ‘like’ to do. Our denial kicks in and we procrastinate and distract ad infinitum.

I’ve had to learn that discipline and routine are now a part of my new personality. I still like to break up the routine when I can, to keep my addicted brain happy, but I mostly know what I must do, and I plan my days and weeks accordingly. I stay connected to myself, I take 100% responsibility for the choices I’m making and I preserve my precious time and energy for the things that are both the most important (life responsibilities) and most enjoyable (a life worth living). The holiday season is a time of increased parties and invitations. Make sure that you are not moving into a chaotic spiral that is leaving you depleted rather than energized.

Today’s Tip:

Get your calendar out and look to the week ahead. Give yourself permission to structure your week, making it a priority to support your emotional sobriety. This might include: showing up for work (if you have a job), looking for work (if you don’t), daily household tasks (cooking, cleaning), time with friends/loved ones, time spent in recovery activities, quality time with yourself (take yourself on a date), prayer and meditation, reading books that stimulate your mind, learning & shopping for the week. See if you can conscientiously decide to make the most of your time and energy and then watch how successful you are in following through without distractions. You will become more self-aware of what, if anything, trips you up and you can then adjust accordingly.

Tip 4: Strengthen Your Good, Intelligent Habits

Addiction can be thought of as a destructive habit that continues, despite the negative consequences it creates. It’s possible to change addictive habits but it requires commitment and ongoing effort to find a healthy balance in life. I once heard it said that if you stop drinking without replacing it with something better, it would be as painful as watching paint dry. Boredom sets in quickly and drinking becomes a good option. Those who struggle with relapse often lack a solid set of good intelligent habits that replace the multitude of behaviours that supported and justified their addiction.

It’s so important to have a routine of positive habits to replace the negative lifestyle of addiction. Whether that involved criminality or just plain laziness when it came to showing up for life, emotional sobriety is about cultivating inner peace & usefulness. This is a lifelong process and starts with each new day and each new challenge.

Many addicts grew up in families that created negative beliefs about themselves and the world. This negativity translates into self-loathing, self-doubt, learned helplessness, and a loss of hope. These attitudes and outlooks on life are part of the addictive habit. Being committed to challenging and changing your limiting self-talk, is the first step to creating a solid foundation of good, intelligent habit formation. This will be followed in action by healthy, life-sustaining activities, that give back to the world in meaningful ways.

Today’s Tip:

Challenge yourself to a 24-hour ‘negativity fast.’ This will require a great deal of attention to your thoughts and feelings. Having a negative thought or feeling is not the problem – giving it energy by embellishing it as truth is the problem. Each time you think negatively of yourself or someone else, quickly replace it with “I chose love today” or “I suspend judgment for now,” or whatever sounds like a simple, positive antidote at the moment. Then immediately decide to do something useful. It could be attending to a chore, calling a friend who is going through a tough time, or taking care of some outstanding business. Make a conscious effort to lay down good, intelligent pathways for health. Emotional sobriety is an inside job – that gets manifested in your (outside) world.

There is no better time than the holiday season to create a positive habit of giving to others, to help yourself and your emotional recovery.

Tip 5: Strengthen Your Boundaries

Having strong emotional boundaries means knowing yourself – where you stop and others start. So many addicts get caught up in ‘emotional contagion’ – a concept that describes how you get sucked into someone else’s mood. Through this process, you merge into an unhealthy symbiosis. Let’s say your partner comes home grumpy after a tough day and although you had been feeling happy, as soon as you hear they are in a bad mood, you are too.

Having strong boundaries means holding on to your truth and getting curious about someone else’s experience, especially when it is different from your own. This is how you express ’empathy’ which develops from healthy differentiation. Contrary to what you may have learned growing up, there is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to human beings. While variety may be the spice of life, an inability to tolerate differences makes life feel like a constant struggle to change ourselves or change others.

Some of us have never contemplated the fact that “no” is a complete sentence. The idea that our value and worth as a friend and/or confidante demands that we be ‘all things to all people,’ blurs our boundaries. Life ought to be a choice, not a burden. Make sure you are staying within the bounds of acceptable choices that support your emotional sobriety.

Today’s Tip:

Remember a time when you got sucked into someone else’s negative feelings. See yourself holding up a see-through shield that allows you to stay both protected and connected with your own good mood. Imagine saying to the person, “I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Do you want to talk about it?” As you imagine the discussion, keep holding the shield and stay connected to your own self, allowing the other person to have their feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they seem.

Next, remember a time when you said ‘yes’ and you meant ‘no.’ Replay the scenario with your shield in place and imagine being true to yourself, with a kind but firm authority. Imagine the other person respecting you for it. Do this with as many examples as you can; feel the inner strength it creates when you build pathways for strong boundaries.

Tip 6: Connect With Your Support Network

Addiction is a disease of isolation. I can’t stress that fact enough. A lack of emotional sobriety is often caused by a lack of social engagement with others who support your recovery. Many addicts are ‘pseudo-independent.’ Pseudo-independence is an adaptive survival strategy, rather than a healthy way of life. It develops because there was insufficient support in our early years. I know it well because I had it. I was proud to admit that, “I can do life alone, thank you very much.” It’s why asking for help seems like a sign of weakness, rather than strength. This maladaptive belief trips up every addict in early recovery unless they are willing to challenge this ‘old idea.’

Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to heal an addict. Neuroscientific research has shown that connection is the most powerful antidote to overcoming addiction. When our primary attachment relationship is to a bottle, a pill, or a device, rather than to another loving human being, we are incredibly lonely and profoundly out of sync with what is best for us. Our task in recovery is to get ourselves into a group of like-minded people who understand and have found a solution to our problem. Within that group, we need to select one person to whom we are willing to tell everything. Going it alone will not suffice. It’s a recipe back to relapse.

Today’s Tip:

Think of the saying: “The power of the wolf is the pack and the power of the pack is the wolf.” What does that mean to you? What can you do today to strengthen this in your own life? In the hierarchy of human relationships, interdependence is the goal. That means that you can stand on your own two feet and you can lean on others. If wolves can figure that out, surely we can too! Find a way to practice interdependence today with someone you trust. You could: tell them something you have been keeping secret about yourself; ask for help; let them know how much they mean to you.

Tip 7: Be Realistic

Many addicts suffer from ‘fantasy functioning.’ We come by it honestly, if we have grown up with a lack of healthy, positive role models for life. In attempts to compensate for low self-esteem, we push ourselves relentlessly to be some unrealistic version of perfection. We believe that life should be easy and that we will meet our soul mate and live happily ever after. When that doesn’t pan out, we beat ourselves up or we drink again.

Being realistic about life is about accepting what is possible. We may all be created equal in God’s eyes, but that doesn’t mean we are all the same. Knowing your limitations, especially when it comes to accepting your addiction, fosters contentment – a feeling that is elusive to addicts.

Perfection is a concept that doesn’t exist. It is a debilitating strategy meant to cover up shame. Being willing to cut yourself and others some slack for your humanness is a quality that will foster greater happiness. There is a recovery slogan: “Live and Let Live” which I love. It sounds simple but is tremendously deep in meaning. It means living our lives and not expecting others to follow suit. It means finding compassion for others so that each person can decide for him/herself what is best.

During the holidays, many people may want you to join in with activities that don’t support your recovery. Letting yourself live by your own principles and priorities, while not judging them for their choices, will go a long way in creating more emotional sobriety for you.

Today’s Tip:

Take stock of your day and ask yourself if you are being realistic about what you want to accomplish. Are you doing too much? Or not enough? Are you judging someone who has made different choices than you would make in the same situation? If so, see if you can ‘live and let live,’ allowing space for everyone to walk their own path in life. Notice what happens when you make this shift or if you are struggling, what is blocking you from this change in perspective.

Tip 8: Don’t Be a Doormat – But Don’t Pick Fights Either

Many addicts have extreme and contradictory emotions. Passivity in relationships means you allow yourself to be walked on and later feel used by others. This ‘resentful compliance’ is toxic to emotional sobriety as it leads to a seething resentment that builds over time. Most addicts don’t take responsibility for their part in this dynamic, and instead, blame the other person for treating them badly. Emotional sobriety means learning to be honest with yourself and others about how you are really feeling. This is something you can deliver in a clear and direct way and with kindness and consideration.

On the other hand, you may have learned to find your power through aggression. Maybe resentment has been festering so long that you can’t hold it in any longer. Maybe you are just doing to others what was done to you growing up. In any event, uncontrollable anger and hostility are traps that keep you stuck in your addictive cycle. It is never acceptable to use anger as an excuse to verbally or physically abuse someone else. Anger is a feeling and has a purpose in helping us to set healthy limits. Abuse is a behavior that is violent in nature. They are two entirely different things.

Today’s Tip:

Do a spot inventory by writing down any resentments you may have. Make sure you know what caused each one and how they affect you emotionally and spiritually. Once you complete the list, go back through and write down your contribution to each issue, asking yourself how you set the ball into motion.

Next, write down any harms you have caused others by being emotionally inappropriate. Be honest with yourself – look for the self-serving motive that may underlie a misleading surface motive.

Discuss this with your sponsor or spiritual mentor and be willing to take any corrective action to make peace with yourself and others.

Tip 9: Practice Gratitude

One of the most powerful tools in your recovery toolkit is gratitude. It’s impossible to feel sorry for ourselves when we are being grateful. That does not mean dismissing real emotional pain. There are lots of things that are hard in life. Working these issues through is important to have a life worth living. But often, our ‘stinking thinking’ is what keeps us spinning our wheels. It’s the tendency to see the glass of life half-empty rather than half-full and becoming help-rejecting complainers. We become restless, irritable and discontent – primed for another drink. And trust me – no one likes being around us when we are like this.

Gratitude, much like happiness, is a state of mind. Cultivating gratitude is a good, intelligent habit in recovery. It gets us focussed on what we do have, rather than what we don’t. The neuroscience is very convincing on this topic. What we focus on is what we become. When we decide to stay connected to the small and large ways in which we are blessed, our lives improve. It’s an upward-moving spiral.

Today’s Tip:

Each evening through the holiday, make a list of 3 things you are grateful for. Make sure you create a unique list every time. This will allow you to stretch your reach to include more aspects of life than you may have thought about before. Take time with each item on your list to let it travel the long road from your head to your heart. See if you can let yourself experience gratitude in your body as well as your mind. Then practice ‘random acts of kindness’ with others so that you could (potentially) be one of the items on their gratitude list.

Tip 10: Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt

Sometimes people’s intentions are malicious – but most of the time they are not. Most people do not set out to intentionally hurt others. And yet, it’s impossible to be close to other human beings and not get hurt from time to time. This is especially true for alcoholics/addicts who tend to be particularly sensitive emotionally. Our sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because it allows us to connect deeply with the world (when we allow ourselves to feel). It’s a curse because it often underlies the need to use our drug of choice to completely numb out.

Emotional sobriety means you can handle the normal emotions of everyday life. Building resilience in this area is important for your own emotional well-being. I love how Dr. Ellyn Bader describes it in the work she does with couples. She explains how crucial it is to build “emotional muscle” to be able to show up in life and in your close relationships. One way is by giving others the benefit of the doubt. That means we don’t have to attack everyone who disappoints or frustrates us, nor do we need to ghost them.

There is no possible way to build healthy, long-term, reciprocal relationships if you are not able to manage your emotional triggers and reactions to what others say and do. There is a very important perspective in the recovery literature that states: “Whenever I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me.” It’s a harsh truth because it demands 100% responsibility. No one to blame. No one to shame. Emotional growth means that you can tell the difference between everyday hurts and serious abuse (which does not apply here). It means you are being both kind to yourself, but also to others. Most of us are doing our level best each day. Can you see that in yourself and others?

Today’s Tip:

Remember a recent event when someone said or did something hurtful to you. Or think of an upcoming holiday event where you must be around someone who you find difficult. Imagine yourself giving that person the benefit of the doubt. You might think, “Sounds like they are struggling”; or “I’m really glad I don’t live in their skin, it must be hard”. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It doesn’t even mean sticking around them. It simply means allowing yourself to find some compassion for their suffering. By doing so, you shift out of being a victim and avoid a downward emotional spiral that makes you vulnerable to relapse.

Tip 11: Be of Service to Others

The third pillar of recovery, after personal recovery and unity with fellow sufferers, are acts of service. This takes us out beyond our own self-interest and allows us to, often for the first time in our lives, feel like we have found meaning in life. It’s critical because most people in the throes of addiction are ‘takers.’ In early recovery, they think that doing things for others “sucks.” I was once told that “if it’s not inconvenient, it’s not service,” and that has helped me adjust my attitude over the years.

There is undeniable spiritual alchemy that occurs when we give from our hearts without looking for something in return. It’s difficult to put into words. If we pay attention, we’ll notice that we feel uplifted. We feel as though we finally belong because we have something of value to offer. We have discovered a key to happiness.

Saint Frances said it best: “…it is by giving that we receive.”

Acts of service can be large or small. I know a couple who every Christmas anonymously buy other people’s groceries when they are checking out. They watch to see who looks in need, then they let the cashier know they will pay the bill. They set a budget and give in this way. There are also so many ways we can make a difference that doesn’t cost a cent.

Today’s Tip:

Think about the days ahead and ask yourself what type of service you could accomplish. Sit quietly and let yourself sense into what feels meaningful to you. Perhaps you want to volunteer your time at a shelter, cook a holiday meal for someone, help a neighbour or friend, or reach out to someone struggling with their recovery. Create a plan to make it happen and follow through. Remember, showing up for life and being accountable means taking action. It will result in a sense of emotional maturity and well-being.

Tip 12: Cultivate Peace Within and Live in the Moment

There is no better time than the holidays to cultivate a feeling of peace within. Most people these days are increasingly busy making it a challenge to stay mindful and present to our lives. Peace is defined as “freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety or obsession; a state of tranquility or serenity.” This is a must for addicts who are vulnerable to relapse when ‘restless, irritable and discontent.”

Being peaceful doesn’t mean you have to stay sitting still. Instead, I think of it as an inner shift in the face of our busyness. It’s the way we stay connected to our Highest self, which in turn is connected to the Higher source of knowledge, peace, and power. Becoming skilled at doing this, especially when our lives are full, is what helps us maintain a sense of serenity. For me, it is my daily meditation practice that keeps me centered and calm, and ready for each new (busy) day ahead, with all its many challenges.

Today’s Tip:

Set aside 5-15 minutes to connect with your inner self. Give yourself permission to put out of your mind all the tasks and stressors for this time. Start by following your breath and imagine it is a calming presence that expands into each of your cells. Imagine that your breath is connecting you with the Source of all power, peace, and knowledge and letting it fill you up, You might notice a sense of “I am connected” or “I am safe.” Let yourself enjoy this state of being for as long as possible. Silently chant ‘I am peace’ as you continue to feel into your calm state. When finished, go about your day, taking breaks as often as possible to remember to use your chant, ‘I am peace,’ to bring awareness to the calm inner state. Experiment with this process repeatedly to build a new pathway for peace within.

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It has been a pleasure to share these 12 tips for Emotional Sobriety with you over the past 2 weeks. I hope they have been beneficial to you, your loved ones, or those who might need them most this holiday season.

-Sue

Sobriety Matters: 12 Tips for Celebrating Sobriety This Holiday Season