Neuroscience teaches us that addiction impairs decision-making and bypasses impulse control. We do things under the influence that we wouldn’t dream of doing sober. ​

Recently, a client I hadn’t seen in some time booked an appointment. Her partner insisted she get help because she continued to drink and drive with the kids in the car. She was genuinely baffled – when she was sober, she agreed wholeheartedly not to do this, and yet once she had a few drinks, all bets were off. ​

She does not drink every day and there are often times when she can control the amount, contributing to the perplexing nature of addiction – since there are other times when her judgment is completely irrational and there is no talking sense into her. ​

Like many other people dealing with the stress of the pandemic, her consumption was on the upswing again. Her attempts to ‘control’ the amount and the frequency of her drinking had failed once again. ​

She asked if I could help her figure out how she could drink and not drive. She wanted her husband off her back. She wanted to believe that I had a magic solution that could help her have her addiction and a happy marriage too. ​

There is no way to make sense of why a mother would put her children at risk by driving under the influence unless we understand the powerful nature of addiction.

She did not want to quit drinking.

The Unsolvable Dilemma

I reminded her what we had discussed previously: that as somebody who had crossed the line into addictive use of alcohol, she cannot predict where her drinking will end. The sober woman sitting across from me wanting help is not the same woman under the influence. She is not a bad person. As someone who has an addictive brain, once she picks up, she has no more power over the processes unfolding in her survival brain than she does over the weather. ​

But she, nor any of us like her, wants to admit that. ​ It can feel too much like defeat. Like weakness. Instead, we desperately cling to the delusion that we are in control of our lives. We assert our willpower, determined that this time it will be different.

What most people don’t understand is that when it comes to addiction, willpower alone will never get us across the finish line.

the brain

anterior cingulate cortex

Willpower is a real thing. According to neuroscience, it exists in a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex – right behind the forehead. According to Susan Pearce Thompson, it’s like a battery, charging up when we sleep, meditate and nurture ourselves, and then draining off as we go through our day and our multitude of tasks.

In eastern spiritual practices, the “third eye centre”, on the forehead between the eyebrows, is considered the ‘centre of will’.

Most of us spend much more time in daily tasks, making tough decisions, dealing with difficult people and attending to the complexities of our lives, than we do in meditation and self-care. It is obvious that our willpower resources will often be depleted. ​ Those times leave us vulnerable to relapse – either back to our addiction, or back to the stinking thinking that leaves us miserable and isolated from our friends and family.

What to do Instead?

Many addicts recoil from the concept of ‘powerlessness’. In my case, I found it liberating. ​

I had been trying for years to stop and couldn’t. I felt like an utter failure. When I was told that it was a simple fact that my addiction would win out over my willpower each and every time, it dissolved years of shame. Instead of using willpower, I now accept that abstinence is the first and most important step in recovery. I no longer fool myself into thinking that I am “stronger” than that. ​ I am content to hold up the white flag to my addiction and get on with living an incredible life, free from the constant stress and exhaustion of fighting a battle I can never win. ​ I do this by daily practices that support my recovery – and by reaching out for help from others who understand my dilemma and can steer me in the right direction, if and when my ‘delusion’ returns.​ ​

I hope this helps you too,


Sue Diamond

Lisa