What is in the power of a story? Especially a story of transformation. Of going from the darkness into the light, so to speak.
People who escape from the grips of addiction have stories that are often nothing short of miraculous.
Now if you have a cynic that lives inside of you, you may be ready to roll your eyes and stop reading. I get it. I have that cynical part of my brain as well. I’m one of those people that would rather say ‘no’ first and then come around to saying ‘yes,’ once you’ve convinced me of why I should. But the truth is, I’ve been sharing my story lately and realize that there is an awesome power to telling the tale of redemption that others can resonate with and relate to.
When I think back to when I was a young child growing up in a violent alcoholic family, most of my resources were unconsciously hijacked in the service of sheer survival. The problem with that is as children, we need to channel our energy into developing who we are to feel like we are loved, valued, and appreciated just the way we are. That’s what leads to healthy emotional development.
I had a keen intellect and did well in school which made it appear that I was doing OK. What was happening on the outside, including the collection of trophies I won for various sporting events, told nothing of the story of what was happening on the inside. The feelings of shame, loneliness, and self-loathing were what lived unchecked inside me. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and felt like the world owed me. I decided I would take what I wanted, without asking, and without caring how that made you feel.
Alcohol and drugs helped me numb those feelings and provided a way for me to function in the world in my own skin. For years I lived a double life – I worked by day, raised my daughter, and attempted to appear seemingly normal; and then would do whatever I could to anesthetize myself in the evenings.
This went on for many years.
When I started working with youth who were also struggling with addiction and early trauma, I knew that if I was going to be able to look myself in the mirror I had to ‘walk my walk,’ not just ‘talk the talk.’
That was the turning point for me. I decided sobriety had to be the first step to a new way of life.
Being on this journey of sobriety for more than three decades has been anything but a linear process. One could only wish that learning would be straight up. But my ego continued to get in the way of my being teachable.
I struggled on and off with the idea that I somehow was smarter than, better than, more self-sufficient, and capable of running my own life without your help, thank you very much. In that state, my mind was shut off to new ideas and guidance and grew increasingly disconnected from my colleagues and peers.
When I tell my own unique story, I often talk about when I was seven years sober and I was barely hanging on by a thread. I had no real recovery to speak of, I had no one I was talking to or asking advice from. I had an important job at that time and my pride and ego told me that I was really someone important. I was getting emotionally and mentally sicker by the day. I remember that I started to have thoughts like, “Sue maybe you could have a drink again, I don’t think you were really that bad; I think maybe you were making too big a deal of all of this.” I had no idea how close I was to a full-on relapse into my alcoholism.
You see, a sick mind can’t recognize a sick mind. And if I’m not talking to anybody then I don’t have anyone to give me that feedback either.
Because addiction is a “disease of isolation”, the importance of staying connected and staying open and willing to get feedback from others who are further along the path is critical.
It’s when the magic can happen. The magic that happened for me at that time came in the form of a dream.
I actually had somebody talk to me in a dream about how I was going to be rescued from myself.
And I was.
And I have been ever since.
I’m back on track and doing the things I need to do to stay connected to others and live a life of balance and purpose. My life is so amazing and I feel utterly blessed to be me. The person I used to be – lonely, desperate, & suicidal – will drink again. The person I am today – happy, fulfilled, useful – doesn’t have to.
We each have a unique life story of transformation in our journey from addiction to sobriety.
I hope you will honor your story and tell it whenever asked. You never know when it will help someone else.
Respectfully,
Leave A Comment